September is Pleasure Your Mate Month, which means it’s time to think about friends with benefits! (It isn’t just a meh movie starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis). Many people enjoy sex outside relationships in real life, including with friends. 

If you’re not sure what’s involved or how to make this situation work, keep reading. Here we’ll discuss what friends with benefits are, how to find one, and how to make it work for both of you.

Defining ‘Friends With Benefits’

What are friends with benefits (FWB), anyway? It may seem obvious, but different people define FWB differently. For some, it’s an existing friend who they then have sex with. This type of FWB can offer the familiarity, comfort, and trust of a friendship alongside sexual satisfaction. If the situation runs its course, you’ll ideally be able to return to being friends (but this isn’t always the case, e.g., if one person develops deeper romantic feelings). 

For others, an FWB is someone befriended for sex specifically. This type of FWB is closer to a fuck buddy — a relationship which prioritises sex. There’s no expectation that you maintain a friendship outside of the bedroom (though people often become more and more comfortable with one another as time goes on). If this type of FWB situation runs its course, chances are the relationship will end entirely, and you’ll go your separate ways.

Because definitions can vary, it’s important to get on the same page with your FWB. This is where clear communication about expectations and boundaries comes in.

How to Make Friends With Benefits or Fuck Buddy Work

A key to making an FWB or fuck buddy work is setting boundaries that protect your physical, emotional, and mental health. One way of achieving this is by making sure you both agree on a shared set of expectations to reduce the chances of frustrations or disappointments. 

Some considerations when defining boundaries can include:

• If you expect to do things as friends outside the bedroom
• How you’ll communicate, and how frequently
• Whether you’ll tell others about your relationship, and who that may be
• If you’ll spend the night
• How often you’ll see each other
• Whether you can see other people, and if it’s okay to discuss them with each other
• If any activities are off-limits
• How quickly you expect replies to calls or messages
• What kind of contraception you plan to use
• Where you’ll hook up
• What you’ll do if someone develops deeper feelings
• How to handle pregnancy and STI scares
• If public displays of affection are allowed
• Whether you’ll kiss or cuddle
• How much emotional support you’ll provide
• If you’ll go on dates
• How much space you need if going back to being friends

Talking about these issues ahead of time makes them easier to deal with if and when they come up. It also helps you both to avoid assumptions that may lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

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Where to Find a Fuck Buddy or Friend With Benefits

If you’re looking for an FWB arrangement, consider your existing friend group. Some people avoid having sex with close friends because they don’t want to risk the friendship. However, someone who is only an acquaintance might make an ideal friend with benefits. Have you got a mate who is hot but perhaps a little dull? That’s perfect for a fuck buddy or FWB!

Finding a fuck buddy can be a little different. Dating apps are a straightforward option for finding casual and no-strings-attached (NSA) sex partners like fuck buddies. Tinder was created to facilitate this, and other apps like OkCupid and Bumble have introduced filters for casual hookups, too. Grindr, a hookup app originally started for men who have sex with men, has opened its doors to people of all sexualities — so there’s no shortage of apps that can help you to find a fuck buddy.

You’ll be in good company if you’re looking for sex online. One study found that 16% of men and 10% of women had found a sexual partner online in the last year. According to this study, the age range of people most likely to find a sex partner online was between 35 and 44 years old. It was also more common for people to be looking for sex other than heterosexual sex — but people of all ages and sexualities use hookup and dating apps.

Do People Prefer Friends With Benefits Over Relationships?

While many people enjoy having fuck buddies, plenty of others are still interested in something more serious. In fact, surveys from dating sites Match.com and OkCupid show that people are more interested in finding a serious relationship now than they were before the pandemic. 

Still, plenty of people seek casual sex. One study found that 61% of men and 45% of women think it’s fine to have sex with someone without being in love with them.

Occasionally, people start as friends with benefits or fuck buddies and then decide to formalise their relationship and make things official. However, it’s generally not a good idea to use casual sex as a way to get someone to date you, as it’s likely to result in bruised feelings. No-strings-attached sex only works if everyone involved is on the same page.

How to Manage the Risks of Sex With Fuck Buddies and FWB 

Even when sex is casual, it still carries the same risks as any sexual activity or encounter with someone you don’t know well. This can include:

• Unintended pregnancy
• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs), which can be transmitted orally, vaginally, or anally by people of all genders and sexual orientations
• Safety risks of being alone with someone who is potentially a stranger

Using common sense can go a long way in mitigating certain risks of being with someone new. Plus, being vigilant about using condoms and dental dams is a cornerstone of having safe sex and avoiding STIs. Some STIs, like human papillomavirus (HPV), aren’t 100% prevented by using condoms — so it’s worth considering other protections, such as the HPV vaccine.

It’s worth noting that people who find sex partners online may be more likely to have sex without a condom, have multiple relationships at the same time, and have more partners in the previous year than people who don’t find partners online. Interestingly, research also finds that men in this group are more likely to get tested for STIs, so sexual responsibility can still be possible. 

You can care for your sexual health and that of your partners by getting a regular STI screening. Sharing STI results with a new fuck buddy or FWB means you both know your real risk and have the opportunity to consent to sex — or not. You can even add it to your discussions about boundaries and compatibility. 

For fuck buddies and FWB who want to be sexually responsible, consider a trip to the clinic together. It’s your responsibility to care for your sexual health and your right to ask the same of any partner.

Fortunately, STI testing is easier than ever with at-home testing kits through the mail. And if someone doesn’t want to get tested or share their results, it’s a good sign that they’re not worth the risk of having sex with.

Check out Yoxly’s STI testing kit to take control of your sexual health so you can safely enjoy having casual sex with fuck buddies and friends with benefits!